Custodial Care interview #3: Eric Trump
Interviewer: So, Mr. Trump you believe your father could benefit from placement in our facility?
ET: Yes, I do; he’s lost it. Totally.
Interviewer: I see. Could you elaborate for me?
ET: Well, he’s always been a little long on fantasy and short on the truth…like when me and Donnie and Vannie were little and he promised us a dog. I mean he PROMISED us! Still waiting for that dog, man.
Interviewer: I’m sorry to hear that; but what has he done recently to raise your concerns?
ET: What hasn’t he done? He’s got that damn iPhone, you know; and we can’t peel him away from it. Last weekend he locked himself in the bathroom for three hours and just let fly. Not a word of truth…just the biggest whoppers you ever heard! He lies like a million times a day!
Interviewer: What about your siblings? Can’t they do anything to make him stop? I hear that sister of yours can really get around him. And Don Jr.; what about him?
ET: Junior? Don’t make me laugh. His voice gets higher every time he talks to Dad. He wants so bad to be a chip off the ol’ block that we call him “Mini Me.” But Dad is one of a kind: a gold-plated swaggering sonofabitch who believes his own bullshit. That’s a hard act to follow. Donnie’s brand of bullshit just makes him stink, and he knows it. Smells like desperation. No wonder his wife showed him the door. I hear she’d had enough even before he started fooling around with Little Miss Paparazzi Bait.
Interviewer: Your sister then; surely, she has some influence…
ET: Pu-leaase!! All she can manage is to get more for her. Of course it works both ways. Vanny’s got more plastic on her than a Barbie doll. She was always his favorite, but she knew she better be picture perfect or he might drop her like he did our Ma…and Tiff’s Ma…and those three Ukranian house maids we had over at the Tower.
She’s Daddy’s little girl, alright, but even she can’t make him behave. And that goonie husband of hers…
Interviewer: Jared?
ET: Yeah, Jared…Mr. Know-it-all Asshole. “Why can’t you be like Jared??” “Jared is smart.” “Jared’s going to make my Saudi hotel finally happen.” “Jared’s got the Sheik’s ear.” I am so sick of him! I really hoped he’d end up in jail like his dear ol’ dad…
Interviewer: Yes, I see you have issues with a lot of family members, but we’re really here to discuss your father. What makes you think he needs custodial care?
ET: Well, I downloaded the dementia checklist and he’s got all that, plus a few extra kinks. He’s selfish and childish. He imagines stuff. He’s paranoid. He repeats himself endlessly. He’s forgotten all but about 250 actual words, which he just repeats louder and louder; and he doesn’t always manage to get even those out in the right order. He keeps making racist, insulting and just plain crazy remarks, right out loud. I tell you, it’s embarrassing to be out in public with the guy!
Interviewer: Yes, I see…
ET: You tell him the simplest fact and he says or does just the opposite, as many times as he can. Like that time he watched the eclipse on the White House lawn. Everyone told him to wear those special shades, but no, he had to be the big tough guy and stare straight into the sun. He complained for a week about the “sand” in his eyes!
… And they say I’m the dumb one. What a moron!
Interviewer: Yes, yes, many people wonder…
ET: He’s destroying the family businesses…again!! He shouldn’t be allowed near an iPhone.
Interviewer: …And think of what he’s doing to the nation….
ET: Screw the nation! He’s tanking our inheritance. We’ll all end up working at Walmart.
Interviewer (aside): Your lips to God’s ear.