Well. All the Gays and Lib-er-als are happy, happy, happy! Wednesday, The Supremes dumped DOMA and won’t go near California’s Prop 8. Yes. After all, they had to do something right after gutting the Voting Rights Act on Tuesday. It’s like:
“Well, we fucked the Blacks, Hispanics, the Elderly and Disabled, and all those other voters out there on Tuesday, who are the same voters that made us turn around on Wednesday and look like we’re supporting Gay Marriage,” says Scalia to Roberts.
“You’re right, Tony,” says Roberts. “It made me sick how we had to throw this Gay bone out there, but it will keep all the Lib-er-als so happy, it will be weeks before they catch up with what we did to Article 4 of the Voting Rights Act. And they probably won’t even care about it. Cause Gay Marriage is IN. We’re hip, you and me, Tony.”
“What’s this WE shit, asshole?” says Scalia. “You and I voted to uphold DOMA. God, I told Bush you were a dim dim bulb when he appointed you.”
“I know,” says Roberts. “But listen, Tony, they’ll be celebrating so much, they won’t even know or care which four of us voted in favor of DOMA. You think Lib-er-als care about Black people? Hell, Lib-er-als don’t even want Gays moving in next door to their kids, let alone Blacks.”
“Speaking of which,” replies Scalia, “we’ve got to do something about Clarence. He’s been harassing that new white lesbian aide of mine. She told me yesterday that Clarence asked her if she noticed any pubic hairs on his briefs.”
“Tut-Tut, Tony,” says Roberts. “Clarence is our ace in the hole–heh-heh–yeah, ace of spades. I mean, a Black Supreme Court Justice dissing the Voting Rights Act? Hell, with a different Black Justice, it could have gone 5-4 the other way. So, if the Lib-er-als and the Blacks and whoever start getting bitchy, we just point to Clarence and say Black Power Has Spoken.”
“Bitchy?” says Scalia. “What is that? You picking up that Gay lingo now? I’ve been wondering about you? I saw you with that Gay Civil Liberties attorney last week. So what is it, John-Boy? Are you like Clarence? Cross-addressing? Man, this court is getting fucked-up. Am I the only one here with integrity and real male balls? Am I the last straight white male Supreme Court Justice? Let’s see: Breyer’s a fag. That’s one. And now I’m not sure about Kennedy. That’s two. And Alito? Yeah–a fairy. Close enough. Three. Clarence? Yeah, all that sexual harassment of women. A big act. Definitely a closet fag. Or at least queer-bait. Four. And you? Tell me, John-Boy? Say it ain’t so. Cause that would make it 5-4 again as far as…hey, wait a minute…no…Ginsburg, Sotomayor, and Kagan are absolute lesbos…Shit! That would make it 8-1! Say it ain’t so, John-Boy.”
“It ain’t so, Tony,” answers Roberts.
“Good,” says Scalia. “This shit keeps up, the Corporate Persons are going to turn Gay too.”
“Hey, Tony?”
“Whaatt?! I’m fucking thinking. Of an Opinion.”
“Tony, what if all the Blacks and Spics and Immigrants and the fucked-up old people all turn Gay?” asks Roberts. “And then these nine states and other counties we let off the hook, along with a shitload of other states, start fucking with these new Gay people’s vote? Then we’re right back where we started. Only worse.”
“Hell,” says Scalia. “We’ll have to address the Constitutionality of Black people and other fucked-up people turning Gay for voting entitlements. There must be something in the Constitution about CrossGender-Race-Age-SameSex-Marrying-Your-Daughter-Sexual-Citizenship-Literacy, or whatever. Maybe in that Article where they wrote that the more slaves you had, the more representation you had. I’ll look it all up. If it’s there, I’ll find it. I’m the fucking Constitutional Scholar here. That fucking old dyke Ginsburg!”
“Okay, Tony,” says Roberts. “You’re the swellest Constitutionalist I’ve ever known. Want to go get a drink?”
“Jesus F. Christ! I don’t need this. Get your fucking hand off my robe, John-Boy!” yells Scalia. “That fucking Reagan! Yeah, definitely a fruitcake. At least a fairy. And probably an outright fag! He did this to me! And Bush appointed you, John-Boy. Bush! Another one. I’m outta here, John-Boy. Got to go write an Opinion about whether the Constitution says fags can become President. Or Supreme Court Justices. Shit.”
“Can I watch you do it?” asks Roberts.
“Jesus F………….”
So remember, folks. This ain’t exactly a week that calls for a big CELEBRATION of one people’s civil rights being upheld in exchange for another’s being shit on. Think about it.
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.