Dear Sirs,
It is with great enthusiasm that I present to you my response to your call for papers discrediting the newly released international scientific report on climate change. I eagerly anticipate the $10,000 reward promised to those of us who author such papers.
Now, you may ask "has he actually read the report?" Don't worry, the answer is no (who am I, Al Gore?). Given that your $10,000 bounty for writers to knock the piece was issued before the report was published, I can see that you have an appreciation for removing the middleman and wasting no time. But I got all I need to know from Yahoo.
Also, you need have no concerns about my credentials. I am most certainly NOT a scientist. I am, in fact, a political hack - making me among that class which has the ultimate authority and wisdom on scientific documents. Again, as a believer in smaller government, I'm sure you appreciate that by going with MY piece, you are in fact, streamlining government.
So, here is my refutation:
The latest nonsense from the watermelon crowd (you know, green on the outside - but red on the inside...heh...get it? heh...) purports to definitively prove that so-called "global", so-called "climate", so called "change" is a product of modern industrial society. That it's all our fault. I offer below five arguments that show definitively that the document in question is flawed, and should be recycled for use as Presidential signing statements.
1. The document suggests that low lying countries such as Bangladesh may be threatened by rising sea levels. this argument is irrelevant for the following reason. Americans cannot see Bangladesh with the naked eye. It can therefore have no possible effect on us in America. It therefore does not exist.
(NOTE: This statement is a reflection of established, historical scientific methodology, as the same argument was used to refute Galileo's supposed discovery of Jovian moons.)
2. The document was released in France, and the head of the UN Climate Council is German. This is clearly a European document, which opens it up to European cultural biases. For example, if the Europeans are starting to feel too warm, it's probably because, as we know, they don't wash enough (and their women are overly hairy).
3. The document states that the environment is endangered because the worldwide temperatures are expected to rise between 3.2 and 7.8 degrees Fahrenheit over the 21st Century.
As is typical of anti-American, United Nations bureacratic nonsense, the paper misses the reality that's staring it right in the face. The temperature has in fact already risen that much this very day - from about 3 AM in the wee hours to noon today (source= the Weather Channel). But don't worry, it will go back down tonight - as it does every night. It's not pollution's fault, it's the sun, which, as we all know, revolves around the Earth (along with the planets and stars) once every day.
4. The document fails to consider that we are, all of us, made in the image of God, and would God do anything to hurt the Earth?
5. Finally, it is beyond all scientific dispute that Global Warming is cyclical. Purely cyclical. I have included a chart below that clearly explains the cycle:
Please send me my $10,000 check ASAP, as my Hummer is currently low on gas.
Sincerely,
John Odum
Green Mountain Daily
...and by all means, post here with your own versions...
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