(See, with Sanders gaining in the polls and drawing big crowds and being a real contender now, it’s not surprising that the establishment ‘corporate’ media shifts the focus away from the issues he’s brought to the campaign to what the voters really want, right?–the ‘salacious’. His past love life? His past ‘procreations’? What? His past high school and college ‘partying’? ASSHOLES! Well, here’s something for them. Because I’ve learned the real story. Illegitimate son? Could that be you, Michael, out there in Walden? I knew it. I knew you were a lib-er-al fuck! But my scoop is going to bust this campaign wide open. And I dedicate this story to Peter Diamondstone. And Donald Trump.)
THE REAL SCOOP ON BERNIE SANDERS
It was revealed today by undisclosed recipients that Bernie Sanders was born 73 years ago in France, the son of Polish woman beet-picker Olanda Sanderoski and Nazi SS Captain Hans Kissinger, who fell in love after the Germans invaded Poland, and then moved together to France when Kissinger was re-stationed there.
Sanders was born at the headquarters of the SS Death’s Head/Hells Angels From Dixie Armored Division. Sanderoski had by then joined the Nazi Party herself, and she, Kissinger, and baby Bernard had to flee to Ireland after the Normandy invasion, where they lived under the name O’Sanders until 1948, when they moved to New Jersey as part of the post-war European migration to the U.S.
Sanders grew up allegedly not knowing about his parents’ participation in Nazi war crimes. His favorite TV show in the late fifties and early sixties was Leave It To Beaver (from whence the Leave It To Bernie campaign slogan comes). But his favorite character on Leave It To Beaver, however, was Eddie Haskell, the Nazi on the show.
Sanders attended Cliffside Park High School in New Jersey and fathered three illegitimate sons, named Larry, Darryl and Darryl, through affairs with women who themselves were the daughters of ex-Nazi SS men living in Jersey under new identities. It has now also become known that Sanders is a cousin of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who himself was fathered by a Nazi war criminal named Von Christiandorf.
Sanders had many romantic affairs in his early days in Vermont, while his illegitimate sons would move to Hollywood to seek their fortune in television. It is believed that Sanders and former Vermont Governor Maddy Kunin were lovers and also dowsers and Satanic Vegans. Kunin, it is of course known, is the daughter of Hermann Goring’s right hand man, Adolf Kuninburg, who fathered her in 1933 in Munich. Kuninburg is still alive at the age of one hundred and one, and living comfortably in a retirement commune in Greensboro, Vermont.
It was Kunin, the older woman in Sanders’ life, who manipulated Sanders’ election as Mayor of Burlington, Vt., with the help of other ex-Nazis from Burlington, Montpelier, Walden, and other towns in Vermont. These Nazis, with help from Vermont ice cream moguls, The Fucking Rodriquez Brothers, created what now is the Vermont Progressive Party.
Sanders, although claiming to have absolutely zero knowledge of any Nazism attached to his parents, friends, lovers and supporters, is believed still to be a shill of the Vermont Progressive Party, which hopes that a President Sanders will ban cigarette smoking nationwide and replace the Bald Eagle with a Kale Plant as our new national symbol.
More details of this story are breaking every second now, and I can’t keep up with them, so fuck it, I’ll get back to this on Monday. Because on Monday, here in Montpelier, Sanders is scheduled to meet with leaders of AIPAC, to explain to them how someone fathered by and involved with Nazis all his life wound up becoming a Jew. It is rumored AIPAC fears that Sanders is secretly allied with forces wishing to destroy Israel, and put Muhammad’s face on the new twenty dollar bill.
(Don’t laugh. Did you know that Donald Trump was fathered by Josef Mengele in 1946 when Mengele was hiding out in Bavaria? I see a Nazi Masterplan/Conspiracy here in 2016. And I haven’t even gotten all the good sex stuff yet.)