WELCOME TO YUPPIEWORLD
MONTPELIER, VERMONT’S NEW THEME PARK!!
Yes, friends, it’s finally here! Thanks to Montpelier Alive and a special grant approved by Gov. Shumlin, Montpelier is pleased to host the long awaited Theme Park that has been in the works since 1986, the year when the fruits of the Great Yuppie Migration from New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut began to ripen and change Vermont’s drab and backward environment and sociology. When we saw literally hundreds and hundreds of the ‘new enlightened’ Vermonters take control of Zoning Boards, Planning Commissions, School Boards, Select Boards, and City Councils, and then begin their work in the State Legislature, and in non-profit groups, and in federally funded agencies for the poor, the elderly, the disabled, the migrant workers, the homeless, and, yes, don’t forget, the Farmers. Due to the changing complexion of our state that these ‘new’ Vermonters brought about, they have been networking for years to make Vermont the very first state in the nation to celebrate YuppieNess in all its forms. And now we have a very special place where Yuppies from Vermont and all over the nation can come to fest in the wonders of an enriched lifestyle–YuppieWorld!!!
YuppieWorld has electric bumper cars and the Windmill Whip for the kiddies! Expensive wine, cheese, and Ben & Jerry’s new fat-free, taste-free Yuppie Yogurt!! Expert speakers and displays on Meditation, Weight Loss, Buddhism, Global Warming, Power & Control, Single Payer Auto-Health Care Coverage For Your SUVs, Real Estate (with emphases on your neighbor’s property and the farmer’s down the road), Fashion, Micro-brews and Micro-management, Investments, and information on how and where you can get the latest Yuppie Vaccinations and sign-up for Yuppie Vaccinations Of The Future!! And dozens of mini-venues where you can buy and buy and buy!–Yuppie Clothes, Yuppie Self-Help Books, Yuppie Plants, and even Yuppie Pets!!!
No smoking and no panhandling will be permitted at YuppieWorld. A Security Team armed with tazers and ‘lowlife alarms’ (similar to car alarms) will see to it that no ‘unseemly’ people gain entrance to YuppieWorld.
And NO POLITICS at YuppieWorld! The emphasis will be on YOU and how IMPORTANT a person YOU ARE!! Vermont’s new non-profit group, Health, Safety, Security, Appearances & Acquirement, run by Peter Sterling (his own creation, God love him!), will have a table allowing you to ‘feel good’ by making generous donations to ‘sustain and diversify’ YuppieNess here and across the nation.
YuppieWorld is located on the former site of the Pioneer Apartments. We tore them down! And had the riff-raff there hit the road to Hardwick. Hey, no more P-Word, right?! And, better still, admission to YuppieWorld is $40! No chance of working class losers shelling that much out.
To kick-off YuppieWorld’s Grand Opening, Peter Sterling will give a talk on the ins and outs of creating your own government funded non-profit groups whose missions will be to lobby for new taxes on every single product used by the poor, the elderly, the disabled, and the working class, and then use that tax money to fund YOUR Single Payer Health Care, YOUR Co-op memberships, YOUR downtown parking tickets, YOUR health club fees, and YOUR STRESS!! That way, according to Sterling, all revenues from YuppieWorld can be used to further YuppieNess in Vermont and across the nation. And make YuppieNess Renewable!!! Ain’t that Cool and Slick? A big Okey-Dokey to Peter!! Also, at YuppieWorld’s Grand Opening, Governor Shumlin will be on hand to give you tips on how to make real estate killings almost right in your own backyard!!!
Also on hand at the Grand Opening of YuppieWorld will be Special Notable Yuppies from all over the state–the most ‘quality’ parts of the state, like Stowe and Burlington. A list of special ‘celebrity‘ Vermont Yuppies to appear at YuppieWorld is now being prepared by the staff of Seven Days, and, if many are ‘too busy’ because they’re ‘too important’ to make the Grand Opening, they will, no doubt, be able to make appearances later on, after they check their calendars for days when they have no lunch meetings scheduled.
This Is Going To Be SO AWESOME!!!
So Be There For The Grand Opening Of YuppieWorld! Network, Buy Things!! And PARTY!!!
(This ad has been paid for by Article 19 on the upcoming Montpelier Town Meeting Ballot.)