Hey, I’m also speaking for Sam now, or Scott, whatever…I WILL GLADLY DEBATE EMILY PEYTON. Is she ‘Hot’? We can arm wrestle too.
You see, our new party–the MAKE THE VERMONT REPUBLICAN PARTY LEGAL PARTY–doesn’t have many candidates this year besides me and Sam. So, why the fuck should those few of us running go to debates and make things even worse?
But, when Sam and I went to Charlie Os to shoot pool and shake ladies’ hands, we got a warm welcome. One of the blondes at the end of the bar even asked Sam about his positions…hah, hah…positions…get it? And this Cutie-Pie lady bartender who we thought was a Dem gave Sam and me a campaign contribution when she gave us our change.
So, screw debates, Mister BP. We don’t have to go to no steeenking debates. We’re all gonna lose, it’s just a question of how bad it will be. We need to get a 5 percenter, and I’m sure that will be me, because, so far, I haven’t heard of anyone who’s running as a write-in for Chief Director of Vermont Garbage and Sewers. But I don’t trust that Michael Colby guy. It would be just like him to pull one of his ‘spontaneous’ actions, and jump in election morning. Then there’s Larry, Darryl & Darryl to worry about. Yes, they became Republicans years ago, after Rich Tarrant promised them they’d be his staff in D.C.
Quit busting Sam’s chops. And/or Scott’s too…whatever his name is. It’s not easy being a Republican now in Vermont. Sam and I went to cruise for babes in Burlington and we saw these demonstrators on Church Street with signs that read: “NO MORE R-WORD.” Jesus Christ! What is this? Are you trying to eliminate us Vermont Republicans altogether? NO MORE R-WORD? WTF does that mean? Some kind of FINAL SOLUTION? Now Sam and I know how the Jews felt in Nazi Germany back in ’33. Are you going to make us wear a big red R on our sleeves? Are Vermont Republicans going to have to move to Gaza? DEBATE THAT!
But tell Em P I’d like to get together with her at Charlie Os. We can have a debate right there at the bar. The winner buys. The lady bartenders there like it when I talk politics. They told me I’m how they can tell when it’s time to call Last Call, even if it’s only 5 o’clock in the afternoon.
I hope my response here will now discourage you Little Dems from further heaping more abuse upon us Vermont Republicans. We’re just trying to live. If I do get elected, I will use all my influence to see to it that Vermont Fish and Game declares us a Protected Species. Because, once the Vermont Republican Party is ‘exterminated’, who, I ask you, will be there on Halloween night to provide your kiddies with a real old-fashioned Halloween scare? And who will cut all the ribbons? And who will stand against the ‘trends’? And who will work for the Rich? And who will stop illegal immigrants from crossing the Canadian border and creating Immigrant SPRAWL? And who will march in all the parades to make Vermonters laugh and feel better about themselves? And who……