(This blog’s been getting a little dull lately, so I’ll punch it up with a little humor. These pieces on the MILNE/BUKNATSKI campaign, and the poor suffering Vermont Republican Party, I hope to continue with right up to November.)
Hi. I’m Peter Buknatski. I’m running for Chief Director of Vermont Garbage and Sewers this year on the new MAKE THE VERMONT REPUBLICAN PARTY LEGAL ticket. It’s actually just the same old Republican Party, we just jazzed up the name.
You see, folks, the Vermont Republican Party has fallen on hard times this year. We don’t seem to have anybody interested in running for office. Now, Mr. Milne, as you know, is running for Governor. And then there’s me, Peter Buknatski. And that’s about it. Bummer. So keep those two names in mind: MILNE & BUKNATSKI. We need to get at least 5% of the vote to maintain our status as an official political party in Vermont. It will be a close one. I think those goddamn Progs have more candidates than we have this year. You see, they have teamed up with the Dems to embarrass us. Don’t let them get away with this CONSPIRACY! Vote for MILNE & BUKNATSKI. Tell your friends. Tell your pets. Help us. PLEASE.
Now, you might want to know a little about what I stand for. Well…I stand for DEMOCRACY. I stand for Vermont Republicans being treated as well as Vermont’s Gays, not being treated like Vermont’s Habitual offenders. I stand for civil and human rights for Vermont Republicans. Because once the Vermont Republican Party is gone, there will be a great loss to Vermonters’ Quality of Life. Think of all the FUN we provide, the sheer entertainment! Remember our candidates of the past? Remember, for instance, Rich Tarrant? Wasn’t he a HOOT? Without us, Vermont elections would be borrr–ring. Yes, without us, who would be there to cut the ribbons on Opening Day of the Vermont Kiddies Lemonade Stands Festival? Remember Jim Douglas, and all the ribbons he cut? He was our ACTIVIST Governor. Without us, the Second Vermont Republic would be in power. We’re all that’s holding them back.
So, PLEASE. I beg of you. I appeal to you as a fellow Vermonter. MILNE & BUKNATSKI. Help!
Now, Mr. Milne (Can never remember his first name. Sam? Whatever.) didn’t want me to make this appeal. He thought it would be unseemly. Also, he thought my name linked with his would just confuse people more. Well, we don’t have any big name play going on this year, like in 2002, when Jim Douglas ran for Governor. Wasn’t that a brilliant move? He was voted in virtually unopposed every two years as Secretary of State. He was Sec of State for a hundred years. People got used to him. It was automatic. People said on election day: “Oh, here’s Jim Douglas again as a Republican/Democrat running unopposed for Sec of State. Yawn. What the Hell.” So, when people checked-off their ballots in 2002, especially those voting early in the morning, before any coffee, and those voting late, after 5 or 6 drinks, they saw Jim’s name and said: “There’s Douglas again for Sec of State. Yawn. Or ‘Hic’–What the Hell.” Wasn’t that a great moment in Vermont politics? People woke up the next morning to find Jim Douglas their new Governor, and said: “What the….?” But we did it!
But that was THEN, and this is NOW.
NOW, we don’t have any big names to play with. Just MILNE & BUKNATSKI. That’s it. But we will keep on with it, in spite of ourselves. Perhaps one election year in the future, say 2026, people will say: “Milne? Didn’t he run for Governor once? Yawn. What the Hell.” As for me, I’ll probably be DEAD. I’ll have died of boredom if we don’t get that 5%. Do you want to see me DEAD? I’m 65 years-old. I walk with a cane. I have to go to Charlie Os World Famous all the time just to get people to listen to me about this CONSPIRACY. Last week, I think I picked up two votes there. Well, at least one–I had to buy him three beers. Yes, if this keeps up, I’ll be DEAD. Do you want that on your conscience? And what about poor Sam? Mr. Milne? Can he hold out til 2026? I think not. I think you hold his life in your hands too. We’re talking about HUMAN LIFE now. As the Peace Ninnies say: “NO MORE VICTIMS!”
MILNE & BUKNATSKI! Remember those names. We’ll be together at Charlie Os World Famous in Montpelier next Friday evening, shaking hands and shooting pool. Regular guys. And if there’s a blonde out there reading this, and she has another blonde friend, come join us. I think I can suggest to Sam that a sex scandal with a couple of hot blondes will punch up our campaign. Thank you.
And Mr. Milne thanks you too. MILNE & BUKNATSKI! Think of us as one!
(Oh, and Mr. Milne: What I have written above is the sole product of my imagination. I have satirized and ‘savaged’ the Vermont Dems very often on this site in the last 10 years. Now it’s the Vermont Republicans turn. Live with it. If you start any trouble about any associations your little p-brain comes up with, forget about my support this Fall. I am, like Douglas, running unopposed. And one more thing–Scott and Scott is too confusing. We have a Scott already as Lt.Gov. It’s like Darryl and his other brother, Darryl. So, I’ll be calling you SAM. Think about getting your name legally changed. If you don’t like Sam, consider JETHRO. It’s down-to-earth. See you in the next ‘chapter’–we’re gonna have fun at Charlie Os World Famous.)