Hey there, bunky. Having trouble finding candidates for the big election, hmm? Well, fret not, my friend. I’ve got just the thing for ya.
Take a look toward the great Southwest, in particular the great state of Arizona, where a perpetually losing Republican named Scott Fistler came up with a novel idea for his lack of appeal with voters.
He legally changed his name to Cesar Chavez, and is running for Congress as a Democrat. The theory being, I guess, that Hispanic voters (and Dems in general) are too damn stupid to realize that the real Cesar Chavez has been dead since 1993.
Shameful enough for you? How about this: His campaign website used to feature photographs of colorful pro-Chavez signs and rallies. Which were actually celebrating the real Cesar Chavez and the late Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.
Any old port in a storm for a down-on-his-luck Republican, I guess. And speaking of down-on-their-luck Republicans, it gives me a great idea for our own VTGOP. With the filing deadline looming on Thursday, the party has no known candidates for Treasurer, Auditor, Attorney General, or Secretary of State, and may or may not have an actual Republican running for Governor.
Well, Scott Fis — I mean, Cesar Chavez to the rescue. And without further ado, I present my dream Republican ticket for 2014.
Drum roll, please…
For Governor: “Howard Dean.” A name with national stature as a liberal leader, and of course a long tenure in Vermont.
For Attorney General: “TJ Donovan.” The real Donovan almost beat Bill Sorrell in the 2012 Democratic primary. Maybe the fake Donovan can pull it off in November.
For Auditor: “Tom Salmon.” The real one or a fake one, what’s the diff? (Actually, I think the real one WAS fake.)
For Treasurer: “Jeb Spaulding.” The real Jeb used to be Treasurer, and he’s still got a high profile, right? And if voters see an unfamiliar-looking “Spaulding,” they might just think he finally got around to shaving off that oddly disquieting beard.
For Secretary of State: “Jim Condos.” Because you cannot hope to defeat Jim Condos, you can only hope to contain him.
There you go, VTGOP. No charge. All you need is a handful of loyalists willing to legally change their names for the sake of their party.
It may be a longshot that the fake candidates can get through a campaign without being exposed, but hell, it’s better than no shot at all, right?