MY FAIR VLADIMIR (PolitenessMan Goes To The Olympics)

(Dedicated to Jen & Maggie and all the crew at Charlie Os World Famous who are boycotting the Olympics on the TV there.  And also boycotting Stoli vodka.  Also to Abby, PolitenessWoman.  I think you’ll like this, folks.  I turned it into a musical at the end.–PS)

Putin:  “Get that !@?/#!*@in’ queer bastard!  Slam the puck up his faggot ass!  Use your…”   ‘THUNK!’  Putin is struck in the head by a STEEL HANKIE.

Putin:  “Sonofafairybitchin’ priestfuckin’…”  ‘THUNK!’  Yet another STEEL HANKIE.

Putin:  “Who threw that?!  Where’s my Mafia Security Guards?!  How dare…”

PolitenessMan:  “I, sir, am the culprit.  Although, in this matter, you yourself, sir, brought about my action.”

Putin:  “And who the fuck are you anyway?!  I’d like to know before I have you shot!”

PolitenessMan:  “I, sir, am PolitenessMan.  And I am here to help you renew and redefine the proper old vestiges of dignity that befit a leader of a Great People.  And to guide you in your future conduct regarding Gays, Ukrainians, Chechnyans, and others, so that one day you will become so gracious a World Figure that historians throughout the ages will place you side by side with Lincoln, Churchill, FDR, and Jimmy Carter.  I am humbly at your service.  But please refrain from further vulgar and unnecessary use of the F-Word and all associated profanities, as our goals here must be addressed at a level commensurate with their import.”

Putin to his Russian Mafia Security Guards:  “Wait!  Wait.  Put your guns away!”  And to PolitenessMan:  “You say that you, PolitenessMan, can make me as great and famous and beloved as Lincoln?  And Jimmy Carter?”

PolitenessMan:  “It will be work, but yes, I can teach you the ways in which you will come to be revered as a modern leader of unmatched civility in handling all the crises that befall, not only your own people, but, ALL THE PEOPLE of the ENTIRE WORLD.”

Putin:  “Wow, PolitenessMan.  That’s all I’ve ever wanted.  To help save the World and be loved by everyone in it.  What can you teach me first?”  And to his Mafia Security Guards:  “Chill, boys.  Take a break.  Go drink some Stoli.”

PolitenessMan:  “First, Vlad, if I may call you Vlad…”

Putin:  “But of course, PolitenessMan.”

PolitenessMan:  “Thank you.  First, Vlad, it is necessary for you to apologize to the ladies of Pussy Riot, and to all the Gay women and men in your nation and the World.  And to then enact laws in Russia for the total equality of all Gay women and men, and, going one well-mannered step further, appointing a wide range of Gay women and men to important and distinguished positions in the Russian government, in Russian enterprise, and Russian science and culture.”

Putin:  “Hell, I can…excuse me, PolitenessMan…I can do that.  Consider it done.”

PolitenessMan:  “Good.  Next step is, lose the Russian Mafia thugs.  They are really not a good fit for a World Leader deserving of the very best in good manners and decorum from the entourage surrounding him.”

Putin:  “Done, PolitenessMan.  Shall I have them shot?”

PolitenessMan:  “No, no, no, no, Vlad.  Have them all dispatched to the Ukraine as your personal ambassadors of good will to assist the Ukrainians in deciding where they wish to fit in the New Polite World Order.”

Putin:  “Yeah.  I’ll tell them to let the Ukies do whatever they want.  If they want to become the 51st state of the United States, that’s fine with me.  To tell you the truth, PolitenessMan, the Ukies became buddy-buddy with Hitler’s Nazis when the Nazis invaded our country in the Great Patriotic War.  I’d just as soon cut them loose.”

PolitenessMan:  “There.  That is already at the higher and more refined stature of the StatesManShip you wish to embrace.  And have the Whole World acknowledge.”

Putin:  “Really, PolitenessMan?  I’m a StatesMan now?  Whoa!  Tell me what else to do.”

Politenessman:  “The Chechnyans, Vlad.”

Putin:  “Oh boy, PolitenessMan, that’s a toughie.  But, as you say, I am now a StatesMan of Stature.  Chechnya, you are FREE!  Long Live Chechnya!  How’s that, PolitenessMan?”

PolitenessMan:  “By God, Vlad, as Pickering and Henry Higgins would have put it to Eliza, I think you’ve got it!”

Putin:  “I’ve got it?”

PolitenessMan:  “You’ve got it!  You’ve got it!  I didn’t think you’d get it, but indeed you did!”

Putin:  “And now that I have got it, have got it, have got it, I’ll pass it on to Kim Jong-un and all his kids.  I feel like I’m a new man!  A new man!  A good man!  A man of taste and pleasantries thanks to all you did.”

PolitenessMan:  “And don’t forget the Japanese, the Japanese, of Nippon.  Tell them to apologize for all the World War II crimes they’ve kept neatly hid.”

Putin:  “Yes, PolitenessMan, I’ll do it.  I’ll do it.  I’ll do it.  Two years from now We and China and Japan will be The New World Kids.”

PolitenessMan:  “And now, Vlad, I must be going, be going, be going.  I have to see PolitenessWoman at her latest gig.  But don’t forget the Planet, the Planet, the Planet.”

Putin:  “Yes, I’ll help stop Global Warming and send my Mafia to Wall Street to equalize the economic grid.”

PolitenessMan & Putin:  “So on with the Olympics.  The Olympics.  The Olympics.  We love that Gay figure skating lady and all the jumps and twists she did.”

Putin:  “One more time, PolitenessMan!”

PolitenessMan & Putin:  “Yes, we are men of great good manners, good manners, good manners.  And all the World will thank us for the tastelessness we’ve undone, yes indeed we did.”

PolitenessMan:  “Now I have to say Good Day now.  Good Day now.  Good Day now.”

Putin:  “But come back next year to see me and all the nastiness I will have undid.”  Das vi danya, PolitenessMan!”

PolitenessMan:  “And a good and better and more well-mannered day to us all.  Adieu, Vlad.”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.  

6 thoughts on “MY FAIR VLADIMIR (PolitenessMan Goes To The Olympics)

  1. Well done PolitenessMan. Missing member’s letter (freaky Orwellian-like terminology)

    Russian prisons are intolerable; filth & squalor abound; death rate is high:


    The conditions described are alarming, and the death rate in Russian prisons is extremely high as a result. According to this article, in 2012, 3,907 people died in Russian prisons. In contrast, 8,110 prisoners died in American jails over the course of eight years between 2000 and 2007, mostly due to suicide, and the suicide rate in jails is much higher than in prisons, though the death rate in jail is decreasing. The number of people in American jails is larger than the number of Russians who are in prison.

    According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice statistics, approximately 3200-3500 people die in American prisons each year, and that number is also decreasing. The U.S. prison population is three to four times larger than the Russian prison population. – Ed.…  

    Includes interesting factoids on how US prisons compare – somewhat surprising.

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