“My fellow Americans. Hi. Gimme five. You don’t really want to know, do you? And how ’bout this fucking weather? I mean, shit, Alaska’s warmer than California. What do you think? Think we should just get it over with? The Boys In The Boardroom, who selected me in ’08, wouldn’t mind a little Nuclear War. Get your minds off what you’re bitchin’ about. And warm up Chicago.
“The State of the Union? You’ve got to be shittin’ me. The State of the Union is now on sale at WalMart. Made in China. By little kiddies. What all you assholes need to do is get together and become Activists. And make WalMart label all this shit. Like: This State Of The Union Product May Cause Cancer Or Bubonic Plague If Used In Certain Environments Otherwise Thought To Be Not Recommended For Human Life. Heh-heh. Thought you’d like that. These are the jokes, folks. But, all seriousness aside, we should label everything. Americans love labels. So, to start with, I’m having the Department of Homeland Security put out 2 million T-Shirts with the logo: SMART PEOPLE CREATE TERROR. Because when you label things and people, Americans are much more comfortable. And healthier and happier. And we can get on with the important work of our nation. And, what is that, you ask? Shit. The fuck if I know. The Boys In The Boardroom keep changing what the important work of our nation is, almost every week. Did they tell you? No? Well, good. As your President, that makes me feel even closer to all of you, as a people, and as a bunch of flaming assholes. Heh-heh.
“I’ll tell you a little story. Back in ’09, I used to sit in the Oval Office and say to myself: ‘Bama, if you don’t do shit in five years, nobody will care. Americans are dumber than a box of rocks.’ But now, my fellow Americans, I’ve grown more philosophical, having so much idle time to become so. And I think to myself that if the American people really want change, they’ll get off their brain-dead asses and do it themselves. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to help you. In fact, I may even have to kill a lot of you, and put more of you in jail. But, go ahead–be my guest. Change things. Yeah. Why don’t you start by changing the fucking channel? Heh-heh. Cause I know you don’t like what you’re hearing. The Boys In The Boardroom told me I could say any kind of shit I wanted to tonight. Because you fuckers will take anything. They told me that after they killed Kennedy, and you all bought that Warren Commission Report and that Magic Bullet shit–man, that was a good one–and then you threw the covers over your heads and went to sleep, that they knew there and then that you’d put up with any and all kinds of shit. War and Injustice and Fairy Tales. Look at this Arctic Vortex crap. Ain’t that a cute fairy tale name for: THE WEATHER IS SAYING THE END IS NEAR? Arctic Vortex. Sounds like a new fashion line at WalMart. Heh-heh. Like my fucked-up Health Care. The only thing I did in five years. Hey, maybe the Boys In The Boardroom will decide that, with this Arctic Vortex motha, it would be cool to cut off Fuel Assistance entirely. Yeah. I mean, all those unemployed elderly people turning up the heat? Yeah. My new campaign to fight Global Warming. Cut off Fuel Assistance. The Boys In The Boardroom should thank me for thinking that up all by myself. Maybe give me a really good job in 2017. A Game Show Host. Yeah. I could be the Black Bob Barker. You know: ‘Higher!…Lower!…Oh sorry…There goes the buzzer…You’re fucked!…Take him away, FEMA!’ Want to know what’s behind the curtain, my fellow Americans? You wait. You’ll love this one. Maybe a little later this year. Heh-heh.
“You dumb sorry-assed sonsabitches. Fucking pathetic. Brush up on your Chinese, is my advice. Hey, how’s this one: THE EARTH IS FLAT. Didn’t you know that? I just told you. And I’m your Government, so it must be so. Right? Yeah. So, you stupid shits, be careful when you’re traveling this Summer, if you can afford to. Might fall off the edge of the Earth. That’s where the Devil is. Waiting for you. Become Christians. That’s more Presidential advice. When the Republicans take over the White House in 2017, because you elect them because I didn’t do shit, you’re all going to have to become Christians anyway. They’ll make laws. Yeah, they’ll Do Something! You see, I’m not so bad. Me doing nothing is something you’re all going to miss in about five years or so.
“But, hey. Don’t worry. Be happy. And if you can’t be happy, eat some Jello Pudding. Ummm-ummm. Good shit, my fellow Americans. So, have a nice day tomorrow, and remember what I said tonight. You might feel a little off for a while. Feel like losers. But losers make the world go round. Don’t let any Smart Person tell you any different. If some Smart-Ass Person gives you any shit, you just tell that sucker that Bama says CHILL. Smart people like to spoil all the fun. And we’re having fun, right? I know I am. And, my fellow Americans, you ain’t seen shit yet. Yeah. It’s going to get even more fun.
“Thank you and Good Night…and, oh yeah…Go Fuck Yourselves…Heh-heh…I knew you wanted me to say that.”