So we have a dilemma: Republicans have clearly decided to go all in with two things:
I have a modest proposal.
What if women were, in fact, to incorporate?
I can’t believe it took me so long to think of this, but the solution is obvious: women, everywhere, make a point of incorporating yourselves. Once you’re an actual corporation, Republicans have to treat you like a human being. It’s part of the pact they make with their corporate masters (it’s actually a very touching ceremony– you should see it sometime. The ritual tatooing of the corporate logos is just lovely).
Now, of course, another part of the pact involves the public shaming of women. The ceremony for that one is kind of boring. They can’t come up with anything more inventive than paying a bunch of women to walk up and down a stage while they yell “slut” at them, but it is how Victoria Jackson got her start in show business, which is great because otherwise we wouldn’t have ever gotten to see this:
But I digress… where was I again?
Oh. Right. Incorporation. See, the best part of this whole idea is that it places Republicans in the situation of not knowing whether to treat humans as objects, or to treat objects as humans. And by placing them in this dilemma, we may create a logical paradox for them.
Now, you may point out that, to Republicans, logical paradoxes are kind of home turf. “Can we defeat them on their own home turf?” you might ask?
This is a good question. After all, we know that Republicans will gladly attack anything which attempts to make children healthier while at the same time claiming that Democrats are out to kill babies. If that’s not an extreme amount of comfort in a logical paradox, little else is.
But I think this is different, because it’s pretty clear that corporations are not just another cause to them, but actually their entire bread and butter. I don’t think they can attack corporations without causing themselves physical damage.
So… to women, everywhere: want to stop Republicans from attacking you? Incorporate yourselves. Even better: incorporate your reproductive organs.
Just don’t call your corporation “Solyndra.”